Dear church family,
Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers and questions about my mom… and for all you did while I was away visiting her (especially the amazing youth group advisors, who ran a huge youth party in my absence!) Here’s the scoop: she has good days and bad days, varying weekly with her chemo schedule, but lucky for me I got to enjoy five “good days” in a row, where she had the energy to take a walk, go to church, bake a cake, do some crafting, and sing some songs. My dad is doing an amazing job stepping into a new role as caregiver. I will be going back in a few weeks, and will go again when she has surgery (probably in March). Meanwhile, my family members have been saying that all we want for Christmas is a few good CAT scans.
I’ve got one more wish for the Christmas list, though. A couple of my friends have recently come out as transgender and have had really different responses. One was promptly surrounded with love and support, though they found the work of explaining their new pronouns exhausting. And another friend of mine, shortly after coming out, was asked to leave the church they had pastored for many years. I feel the weight of grief, anger, and exhaustion with my friends and I wish I could change things for them. So I’m adding transgender justice to my Christmas wish list. MPC will be holding a great class in January focusing on transgender issues, led by Kathy Ray and Janie Spahr. But here are my two cents, which you can consider as a warm-up to their class.
Transgender is a broad umbrella that includes different identities. For example, you might have been assigned male at birth but later affirmed female as your true gender. Many of us are most familiar with this being the case when it is accompanied by medical interventions, whether hormonal and/or surgical. If the person ends up “looking like” her new gender, we might not even identify her as transgender unless she tells us this is important to her identity. But we must remember that she does not need to complete any specific medical interventions, or look any particular way, for her identity as a woman to be valid. Some of the medical interventions are painful, extremely costly, and have negative side effects, so she might prefer to transition by simply introducing herself with a feminine name and/or female pronouns. Maybe she also chooses gendered items such as clothing, makeup, and jewelry; or maybe she doesn’t. Not everyone will take Caitlyn Jenner’s path!
But this is not the only story of transgender identity. Another person might have been assigned female at birth, and knew that female identity did not fit them. But that doesn’t mean male identity will be a “fit” for them either. Such people have existed in all times, though they weren’t recognized. They might identify as agender (genderless), gender-queer (crossing the boundaries of gender), or with other words such as demi-boy or demi-girl which indicate a more specific location on the gender spectrum. Again, you might or might not choose to have any medical intervention to harmonize with your affirmed gender identity. You are the expert on you, and your word is sufficient.
Finally, a word about alternative pronouns, and I promise it’s easy. If someone uses “zie/zem/zeir “ pronouns I expect you’ll mess it up a few times and apologize and laugh as you learn. But if someone tells you they use “they/them/their” pronouns, guess what? You don’t have to trip over your tongue, because you already know how to use a singular they. Just imagine that someone left their umbrella at church, and you found it. You’d say something like “Wow, what a nice umbrella! I don’t know who left it here, but I hope they come back for it. I hope someone lets them know it’s here. Their taste in umbrellas is excellent.” Grammarians can read up on singular they here https://public.oed.com/blog/a-brief-history-of-singular-they/. Know that using these pronouns is an act of love and justice to those who have long suffered identity erasure, not only in the lawbooks, but also on the chalkboards of English classes everywhere.
Advent is a time of dreaming and hoping for the goodness that God has brought us and will bring us. I am praying for the light of God’s love to dawn in our society for people of minority genders. And a successful few rounds of chemotherapy for mom. Join me in prayer!
Every Blessing,
Talitha