Dear Church Family,
Our church leadership retreat last fall gave us (pastors and Session) a lot of material to think about and mull over. One inspiration that came out of the retreat was talking about our spiritual needs and how we can help meet those needs for others. Aha, I said, there’s a Contact piece in that idea. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this topic and I’d love to share some thoughts with you.
First, the frame: sure, some people might come to church casually, maybe because they need another thing to fill up their not-busy-enough life, or maybe because they moved to the area and they’re looking to replace the church they had in another area… but by far, MOST people come to church, or seek out a church for the first time, because they are having spiritual needs they cannot meet on their own. So as we seek to be a welcoming church, not just one that has a statement of welcome but where the people are actively welcoming, it’s good to have in mind the possibility that someone you meet is here because they have some deep spiritual needs.
That might sound scary. Ask me to welcome a newcomer at coffee hour, sure, but meet their spiritual needs? Isn’t that best left to professionals? Well GOOD NEWS, I’m here to offer you the best structure I know for how you can understand spiritual needs and how they generally get met. I learned this as a chaplain and have found it sound and wise. As in many spiritual teachings, it’s easily divided into three parts.
1) The first core need, and the one we all start with as children, is a need for love and a sense of belonging. Someone with this need unmet is usually focused on others, uncomfortable with attention, and unsure of themselves. To help someone get this spiritual need met, it can be as simple as paying attention to them, giving them some careful compliments, thanking them specifically for not what they do, but who they are. This kind of loving attention can allow them to blossom, open, and relax.
2) The second is a need for meaning and direction. A person with this need unmet is often lost, confused, sometimes bored or unfocused, and always considering a number of options for some question they can never seem to answer. It seems tempting to jump in and give such a person an answer, but the important thing is actually to support them as THEY clarify and choose what is important to them. Making a key choice can then unlock a flood of greater energy, commitment, and enthusiasm.
3) The third core need is for reconciliation. Someone with this need unmet will be secretly resentful or openly angry, will usually blame others for anything from politics to their own unhappiness, and will often attract and/or nurture drama. This need can be met through loving confrontation, getting honest through confession and self-reflection, and by trusting people enough to let them step in and call you on your bullshit.*
By the way, these spiritual needs apply to us old-timers, too, even when the wagon tracks of churchgoing have gotten so well worn that we arrive in our pews every week on auto-pilot. Even though our habits may have given us the structure to just keep coming to church, I think deep down that we’d fall away if church wasn’t meeting our spiritual needs. Think about how it might be true for you too. Does our congregation make you feel loved and treasured? Does it help you clarify and hold on to what is most important? And can we know you well enough to call you to honesty? It’s my prayer that we can grow together into all the spiritual openness and vulnerability these require.
Every Blessing,
Talitha
*note on the BS: shortly after the retreat, someone told me they’d feel more comfortable in church if they didn’t have the fear they would slip up, curse, and be judged for it. Church is a place where people often feel judged, even if people aren’t judging them. Some well-placed curses from a pastor might help assuage this fear, they said. I can do that, I said. 😉
PS: For more about the range of ideas generated at the Leadership Retreat, check out this document prepared by session members: LINK