This weekend many of us gathered for a Safe Church training. A friend of Ben’s, Jane Odell, led it and did a wonderful job presenting some quite unpleasant materials. We saw video testimonies of people who had been victims of abuse, as well as testimonies from ex-abusers, who explained how they used the safety and trust of a church to gain access to children whom they abused. We will need to study and design ways to make sure our church is safeguarded against any access like that. Looking at the worst-case scenarios is grim but it can teach us a lot.
But we have a lot to learn and do, and not all of it has to do with worst-case scenarios. Education and awareness are important at every step. For example, we talked about inappropriate boundary-crossing, both on the level of physical boundaries and social/relational boundaries. This could be as simple as an adult tickling or hugging a child who doesn’t want to be tickled or hugged, and as unobtrusive as showering an insecure teen with compliments and flattery. I would like to see our congregation as a place where people know they can’t cross a child’s boundaries, and where children know their boundaries and know they will be respected.
Children and teens are vulnerable first because they don’t fully understand the world, themselves, and others… but they are also vulnerable because they tend to be obedient. They live in a world where it is usually right to do what an adult asks you to do. How are they to understand when someone breaks that trust, and asks them to do something that is not right?
Just to keep this example as everyday and simple as possible, let’s imagine that you watch someone at church hugging a kid who clearly doesn’t want that hug. Imagine their body language is saying “ugh” but they are giving an awkward hug back, because they haven’t learned yet that sometimes it’s OK not to do what an adult asks. Small as it may be, this kind of interaction is echoed again and again in abusive relationships. In a situation like this, it’s totally appropriate for anyone to offer some public or private commentary, whether to the adult: “that looked awkward. Maybe she didn’t want the hug…” or to the child, “that looked awkward. It’s OK if you don’t want to hug someone.”
This tiny conversation will be important in a few big ways. First off, having eyes opened and attuned to small warning signs like this can be a way to ward off any would-be abusers who will see that nobody will turn a blind eye to them. Secondly, the children of our community need to learn that their bodies belong to them, and this secure knowledge will strengthen them to reject and/or report any attempts at abuse.
I hope our congregation can be a place that is truly safe, where children can learn to trust a wider group of people, and know that they are respected. I know this is heavy and difficult material to talk about, but it is our sacred duty to take care of the children entrusted to us, and we can do it together.
Every Blessing,
Talitha