On my refrigerator is a magnet that has a stunning picture of a much older woman (in her mid to late 80’s it would appear) in a swimsuit and swim cap looking lean and fit. The caption on the magnet is “Growing Old is Not For Sissies.” Every morning I see that magnet and the deep truth behind it confronts me yet again. You have to be as tough as nails to grow old, no matter what age you might be at the moment.
Consider a child who is transitioning from nursery school to elementary school. Any child who has made the transition will tell you that while they may enjoy elementary school, they sure miss nursery school at times! Fewer children, more teachers, better snacks, time to rest, amazing art projects, circle time, and shorter days are all things that contribute to a kind of wistfulness about nursery school. When a child is in elementary school, more is expected, more is demanded, homework becomes part of daily life, there are many more kids on the playground with which one has to negotiate, and not all of the teachers are as friendly as the ones in nursery school.
Just when an elementary school child feels as if she or he is on top of the world, the transition from elementary school to middle school occurs. After working in a middle school for three years I saw firsthand the terror on the faces of the incoming 6th graders. To be fair, the terror was mixed with a great deal of excitement and anticipation (after all, they get to change classrooms every period in middle school!), but the terror was real. The eighth graders seem so intimidating to 6th graders and the teachers make it clear they are not about to hold anyone’s hand in order to get work completed. The message to those entering middle school is that it’s time to start growing up.
The message to grow up becomes as loud as an incoming train when the transition from middle school to high school happens. Imagine going from a school of 400 students or even 600 students to a school with 2600 students! The immediate fear is “how will I know where I’m going and how will I ever get there in only 6 minutes for the passing period?” Students who were able to be themselves in middle school (using a rolling backpack despite how out of fashion they were or wearing unusual clothing or dying their hair or playing musical instruments during lunch or looking at card collections or carrying a lunch box of one sort or another) find themselves doubting everything once they get to high school. They no longer want to take a lunch because it’s not cool even if it means going all day without food. The pressure to fit in might be heavier during this period of one’s life than in any other period. As soon as students graduate, they realize how much time and energy they wasted on something that really isn’t all that important given how quickly one changes, physically and emotionally, at that age.
The next really difficult stage, particularly these days, is after college and when one is trying to live independently. Finding a job that will enable one to live independently is more difficult now than it was in previous generations. At this stage and age, the dreams and hopes far surpass the reality of living much of the time. One feels almost invincible and yet is reminded often of how easy it is to make mistakes or fail in one way or another. The image of a butterfly trying to painfully emerge from the cocoon has some similarities. Throw in there parents’ confusion about whether to rip open the sack or leave it alone completely and the image has many similarities!
Despite all of the transitions listed above as well as the transitions to love and partnership and/or family, nothing compares to the experience of aging beyond the age of retirement. So many of us work hard at planning and controlling our lives to the extent that it’s possible without seeming neurotic. At some point, though, we recognize in a visceral way that there are many things beyond our control. We may carefully monitor our diet and exercise and yet we still get diagnosed with diseases that have grave outcomes. We may do all we can to stay in shape and yet various parts of our bodies begin to break down as though they are cars with excessive mileage. We may engage in emotional and spiritual growth over the years and yet nothing prepares us for the hormonal changes that feel as if something or someone else has taken over our bodies.
So much of my work is with people who are live in various stages of growing old. Growing old is as much a spiritual journey and discipline as anything else we experience. How can we do it with grace no matter our age or circumstance? One of the things I love about being a part of an intergenerational church community is that we get to see firsthand the various ways people are growing old. In the Montclair Church Family we seem to have an abundance of people who could themselves be on refrigerator magnets about growing old! As their pastor, I know many of them are enduring a great deal of pain, emotionally or physically, in exchange for more time. Thanks be to God for a community that will not let them grow old alone.