This week I am spending time with my step-father. He is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s disease and despite a variety of issues that must be very frustrating for him, he is still kind and gentle. He is a reminder that many of us age in the same way we live our lives. If we are no fun to be around in our younger years, we are usually no fun to be around in our later years! It’s sobering, really, when you experience what it’s like to give care to someone who is beyond the ability, at times, to choose their demeanor. If you are giving care to someone who is a real stinker and always has been, it’s a much more difficult task. As you consider who you are and your impact on those around you, would you want to be the one having to care for you? Honestly, it’s a great question to consider while there is still time to change one’s ways.
Our culture is particularly squeamish about aging and death so we don’t spend much time thinking about or contemplating ours or anyone else’s. In all of my years working with families and even as a chaplain with Hospice, an organization that helps people experience quality of life in their final 6 months of living, I found that most of us wait until the last moment possible to talk with someone about dying. In fact, many families choose not to talk about it even when everyone knows a family member is dying. It’s too bad because often it is more difficult for all involved when appropriate conversation and planning don’t occur.
This fall we will offer an adult education class that deals with this very issue. We will explore various aspects of dying and at least begin the conversation for those who have been reluctant to become fluent. Again, I invite you to imagine these shoes being your shoes. Would you want everyone tiptoeing around you and avoiding conversation? Or, would you prefer open, honest conversation about what’s happening and what you would like regarding your care? We can never choose when something will happen or what exactly will happen, so the sooner you have those conversations, the better.
Here is the word of hope: I have seen some incredibly beautiful examples of graceful aging and dying despite how difficult it was for all involved to say good-bye. My vision is that we transform the aging and dying process from terrifying to natural and gentle. That’s what I want when I go through it, so I am doing my best to see that those around me who are aging and dying have the same experience. I invite you to do the same.